Regrets are so Heavy.

The beginning was confusing. We met and both had young children so for the first few months only saw each other when our children were with their other parents. When we were together, every night was date night. When we weren’t together, we were busy with our own children. It seemed ok. I tried to think back to whether there were signs in those first months and it’s harder to remember what they were. They seemed so insignificant at the time. But they were there. One sign would be this issue with time. My friends and family know well.....I am often running behind. Truthfully I think I inherited it from my family because they are all the same! But in this relationship you couldn’t be late. I took me a long time to realize that was one of the rules. Because he didn’t just list the rules. He made you ‘pay’ when you broke them. And somehow made you feel like you intentionally did something offensive and deserved the silent treatment/cold shoulder/cancelled plans. I can picture arriving home at 4:30 after estimating I could leave work in time to make the 40 minute drive and arrive for 4:00. He was in the kitchen and ignored that I had arrived home. I walked in the door, after a day of texting back and forth about being excited to see each other. We had been flirty. We had been silly. I walked in the door happy. And then nothing. No ‘hello’. No ‘how was your day?’. No ‘it’s so good to see you’. Maybe that sounds small to you, like nothing really. And I convinced myself it was small and nothing. But it hurt. And made me feel like I was small and nothing. And it happened over and over again as the years continued on.

He used rules to hurt me through my children too. Just over a year into our relationship, he invited my youngest son (6 at the time) and me over to his home for my birthday supper. During the afternoon, while we were at our home getting ready, he called and asked to speak with my son. They giggled and planned secretly on the phone and I thought, “We’re getting better at this. They’re bonding.” I knew they had a birthday surprise for me but didn’t know what it was. Of course I wanted to look pretty for him and took extra time with hair and make up.....and we were behind schedule arriving by about 30 minutes. (That’s usually about how far behind I am, so it is still a mystery to me why I cannot simply add 30 minutes to my estimated time and be on time… But that’s just not the way my time management works.) Again, we arrived happy, my son excited to get to the surprise. And we were met with silence. No ‘happy birthday’. No evidence of a surprise in the works. Just a quiet setting of the table. The meal was served while my son looked confused and I felt devastated. I knew that because of me, because I was late, the surprise had been cancelled. I held back tears throughout the meal, read the loving birthday card he handed me that now meant nothing after seeing what he could do to my child’s excitement. I left determined never to go back. I had finally had enough.

I really wish this was the ending. But if it was, I would likely not be writing to you because the whole experience would have been a blip in my life, a few mistakes that perhaps could have soon been forgotten. But that is not what happened. And the mistakes haunt me still.

2 days later, I rationalized the cancelled birthday surprise away. I somehow, in my mind, made that behavior ok. I will never understand who I was on the day I said to myself ‘that’s ok, you hurt my child and that’s ok, because I was late, so it’s really my fault’. There are some moments and decisions for which it is very hard, maybe not possible, to forgive yourself.

That was year 1 of 9. And that pains me still. A deep, heart heavy ache that will not ease. Knowing that I allowed that behaviour. Accepted it by not walking away. Kept my children in it by not walking away. Regrets follow me everywhere. Some days they are very heavy, some days I remember how far we have come and know that we are stronger through our experiences. But there will not be a day where I can feel ok with my boys needing to become stronger because of choices I made.