Moving in Together - Again

It’s year 4. The break-ups have already been happening. The kids are already unhappy. I am already not who I want to be. We have already tried moving in together once. That lasted all of 48 hours, and we’ve now been living happily as three for 18 months.

And so we decided to try again. Or rather I decided to try again. I told my oldest about the beautiful house we would own…. bigger, prettier, newer, and he just said, “No. Mom I want this, here.” He wanted us, happy, sitting around a tiny table in a little house, together as three. Looking back, it’s impossible to believe this was me making those decisions, knowing what my son wanted and doing something different anyway. I still don’t fully understand who I was in those times, or why I made choices I would have never imagined myself making as a Mom. 

We’d been looking at homes. They were all beautiful. I’d never lived in a newly built home and in some ways it was exciting for my youngest as well because, well, he was young. And new is exciting. And it felt doable. I had thoughts like, “It will be different this time, we haven’t fought in a while, this home is big enough for all of us, this is me not failing.”

 I can see my boys and me sitting at our little kitchen table, having supper, and I tell my oldest, “We found one I think you’ll love, it’s gorgeous and there is room for a pool and a hot tub.” He doesn’t care, not for one second. He says, “We don’t need big and beautiful, I don’t care where we live, just not with him.” I’ll never understand truly why this alone was not enough to stop me. Because we did move into that big, beautiful house. And we did add that pool and hot tub. And we stayed for 5 years. Five of the same stress-filled, tension-filled, unacceptable treatment years. 5 years of break ups and make ups that I dragged the kids in and out of. You look back and you wonder, ‘HOW could I do that?’ But there really is no answer. Or there is a different answer for every person. If you are still in it, the question that matters is, ‘How much longer will you continue to do this?’ You can change it any time you want to. Get out. You can. Everyone who is out thought they couldn’t do it. We were all scared. We all couldn’t see the way. Couldn't imagine there was a way.

We didn’t leave with all of the answers. But we still left. You can do it too. 

*Please always know, safety is the first priority ~ If you are at risk of harm by leaving your situation, connect with your local agencies for guidance and assistance. You are not alone.