Meeting Him

I can still picture the day I met him. We decided to meet at a trail, and go for a run. Sounded perfect to me. I pulled into the parking lot and he stepped out of his car with flowers for me. We hugged hello and started our run. 5K. I have thought back to that day many times and wondered how I didn’t see a clue, have an instinct, a gut feeling. I still think I should have somehow known. Up until that point, I only remembered good in my life. I met my husband at 19, married at 23 and we had 2 sons together. We were surrounded by grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, who loved us all. Family and friends celebrated holidays together, attended each other’s weddings, supported and cared for each other. And so I wonder, when I was divorced and met someone new, how did I not see what was evil in front of me? How could I walk blindly into that experience after all the good I had known? How did I not know to protect my boys from experiencing this person in their lives? That is a guilt I carry. I cannot change their past, or mine. I know a different decision after meeting at that trail, would have changed everything that followed. I wish, I wish, I wish I could change all the things that hurt them over those next 9 years. But I know I can not. So instead I hope they feel everyday how infinitely I love them and hope they know I will always protect them, even as they grow. I do not leave that feeling to chance. I tell them, I show them, and I tell them more. And in the end I hope that me loving and protecting them is the part they remember and feel most.