Listen to YOU

When every instinct you have is screaming, “This feels wrong!” YOU NEED TO LISTEN. I spent so many years trying to fix things. Trying to figure out why everything was so hard. Trying to understand why there were so many fights when I had never been in a relationship with fighting. Not in my childhood and not in my adulthood. I didn’t know how to navigate this constant, unexpected, attack. I had never experienced this before.

I am a pleaser. So I kept trying to figure out how I could do better. I was continuously trying to see where I had made a mistake. What was the comment or the action that made everything go from fun and light to scary and dark? I never did find that answer. It was ever elusive, like something I could almost name but never quite put into words.

Through all those years I could never seem to get it right. Never was I able to keep everything at peace for long. I can tell you this though - I could describe what had happened once I was out and looked back. I can tell you it never had anything to do with what I was saying or doing or deciding. If a person wants to find fault with you, they can pull it out of nowhere. They can make the most innocent moments a reason for anger, condescension, belittling. That meant that no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much energy YOU are putting into making today a ‘good day’, you cannot control that outcome. They will decide. They will choose whether this is a happy, safe, be- yourself day. Or they will choose that it is not. And there isn't anything you can do to change that.

I have always, always wanted to be a mom. My two boys have always been my greatest gifts. My relationship with them was everything I had imagined as joyful motherhood, for 12 years, until I met this man. Before him, our lives were relaxed. We were happy, we were silly. Home was safety and comfort. Over those next years, we still carved out many moments for those feelings, but I cannot fathom why I thought it was ok to only create moments here and there in the midst of such stress and negativity. Why I thought that precious moments squeezed in between the hurt and sadness and loss made up for a constant knowing that we didn’t really belong in the space we were in. Knowing there was a person in that space who could be happy or could be angry on a whim. Knowing there were rules for everything and a constant wondering what was ‘allowed’. I tried my best to keep ‘happy, silly, relaxed and comfortable’ the norm for my boys. To let them know that I was still the Mom who loved and supported them and thought they were brilliant and funny and perfect as they were. But looking back I know that it is not possible to build enough of a barrier to keep children from knowing what is. He never accepted them, or me, for who we were. And that hurt all of us.

By some grace I will forever be grateful for, we left. And we don’t hurt now. Except for the memories. Those are still a work in progress. But there is not a person intentionally hurting us anymore. And we did find bliss, a whole new happy experience together. To give us credit, we intentionally created our bliss. We worked for it. We believed in it. We believe in it still without doubt. For a long time I thought I could maintain bliss for the three of us in spite of another person. It turned out the best path was to walk away from anyone who is not intentionally trying to create bliss with you. WALK AWAY. It’s two words. They will, I believe with my whole heart, change your whole world.

Mad Love, Annie.