Leaving. The Last Time.

My oldest left in October. We had been in this experience for a total of almost 9 years, and in the house together for almost 5. By some miracle I was still close with both boys, even with everything that had happened throughout that time. But they really had had enough of this guy. They were old enough to know this was not ok. We had heartbreakingly lost our 10 year old dog at the beginning of October, after two years of diabetes, insulin injections, and then blindness. It was devastating for all three of us. He had been our new little puppy when we became a household of three 10 years earlier. My oldest said, “I told you, I was only staying long enough to be here for our dog”. And that month when we lost our sweet pup is when my son packed those bags and left. It's hard for me to explain how I know just how deeply he did that out of love. Out of survival for himself as well, but also out of a profound want to pull me with him. The February before that October we had almost left, even met with a real estate agent to list the house. During that February, my oldest told me he would come home from work and see how sad I was and want to comfort me, but he intentionally walked by because he knew the leaving needed to happen and he was just waiting for when I would finally do it. When, 8 months later, October came, and our dog was gone, and I still wasn’t leaving, he did it without me. Thank God. He did it without me and that got him out when I hadn’t somehow ever found the way. And because of him, because never ever would I choose to do this life without my boys in it, my youngest and I soon followed. For good. We packed our bags too, and we left. And we never looked back. Something finally clicked. When it was done, it was done. I cut off every single tie I had to that relationship on that exact day, blocked any avenue for him to contact me and stood steadfastly facing forward. Can I tell you why that took 9 years instead of 9 months? I really can't, not even after another 9 years have passed. I still don't fully understand what happened. I don't understand how I allowed myself to be drawn into an abusive relationship after never having experienced abuse in my life before. What I know is this....if it was my experience, it is the experience for others out there too. And if you are one of the others out there I have only one message: get out. It is not ok to feel this way. It is not just part of being a blended family. It is not just because the two of you have different personalities or perspectives. Repeated break ups and make ups are not a healthy relationship. Walking on egg shells is not a healthy life. A partner who makes you doubt yourself and your choices and actions is not a partner. That is a person who is controlling you, controlling your emotions. And they do not plan to stop. This control is forever, unless you leave.