Anniversary

Nine years ago my entire life experience shifted. Through the shadow of him walking down the stairs, then being there in front of me, demanding, ‘who are you talking to?’. It was scary, paralyzing, a question I knew I could not answer and be safe, and also knew I could not not answer. The shift happened as I felt myself just give in, give up, and hand him my phone. In a single moment, in a way that could never be undone, shift. And terrible things came over those next days. Mostly words. Horrible, hurtful, scare you words. And threats. Threats of endings, being alone, having nothing. But in that scary moment, the shift did not only happen in the relationship, it happened inside of me. I gave in, gave up on the me I was trying to be for all those years. And I felt the real me shift back into place. For that, I have been grateful every moment since. That one event was the precise ending, but there were countless moments that led to it. There were years of choices and decisions that seemed to make no difference in the life I was trying to change or leave behind. Steps forward and backwards that felt like no movement at all, but over time ultimately allowed me to simply walk away, free. Free from abuse, from anxiety, from sadness, from a broken relationship that was breaking the other relationships in my life. Free. It wasn’t at all simple in the mix of it, during the years that went by. But at the end, when I was finally ready and finally done, it was as simple as one foot in front of the other, close the door behind me, and never look back.

I’ll start with the ending because it is my favorite part. I left. I picked up my broken pieces and walked away. I have never felt so whole. Do you remember what it felt like to be little and play outside on a summer day and believe you could do anything? To not even consider that you couldn’t do anything? I wake up with that feeling of comfort and safety now. Not the past feeling of dread. Not the feeling of ‘what did I forget that he will notice this morning’. Not the wondering what the kids will do that will be the problem today. Not feeling the sweat begin about unanticipated letdowns lurking. Not feeling sadness creeping in or feeling tension building around what the day may bring. I wake up at peace. I wake up loved. I wake up knowing that I choose my life and the people I share it with. And I can handle the challenges that may or may not come, because I am strong enough to do that. The people in my circle support me as fiercely as I support them. And I will never make the mistake of accepting less than that again.